18.9.26
18.9.26 It has been exactly a month after my birthday and I only now found time omg. I started a new school but I hate it so much I genuinelly feel that it would be better if I had just not went and just did some sort of online school becouse this feels like hell I am not okay definitelly but I feel it doesn't fully matter anymore I am now 18 and I have to take responsibility after myself. I don't want to do this anymore and I don't how I am going to make for minimum of 2 years. I would much rather work partially then going to school. I hate how I will be always different I can't make any connections whatsoever I will always feel like a black sheep.I don't know how much to say or when to say or hold eye contact but I don't want to see a doctor. I don't trust any sort of doctor and it isn't because I think that medicine could not help me or smth like that but rather it is something about people not believing me I always had this feeling I have to prove myself about anything that I am not well but I also feel it doesn't fully matter I don't know even where to start it feels to complicated to even try to be alive at all. It feels horrible that even if you tried to talk about it no one is there I never had anyone I could trust especially not an adult. Maybe one day someone would believe me or some day I would feel like I am not faking anything. I don't know what to do I emotionally don't really have anyone. Yes I do have parents but it feels like they are there only financially rather then mentally or any other way like they are only there to take care of me financially. I don't have any friends I don't talk to anyone during the day or any time really. I feel incredibly alone I wouldn't wish this feeling not even my worse enemy. I am thinking about it a lot I don't feel anything is going to change in close future or in further one what would be even the point I don't see it. I wish I had parents who would believe me and would not judge me or make fun of it or anyone who would be there for me. I got used to not having friends but it is really hard to have no one. I know this is cringe but I needed to take this out loud. I am unlovable and I am sorry for that